No Going Back
by RubyRhod94
Summary: Trinity reflects on motherhood and losing Neo. A Wedding Night companionfic...


_Flint looks like you._

_I know you were so happy when Band looked like me instead of you, but I'm glad Flint doesn't. A girl like me would be too hard for me to raise, even with help..._

Trinity sighed as she put the pen down and looked over the paper. She didn't know why she did it. Why she kept writing these letters he would never read. It made her feel connected to him, but she had always been so practical, so rational, never letting her emotions control her. Then she met Neo and her whole world changed.

"Mama?"

Trinity quickly wiped her eyes and forced a smile as she whirled around to face her son. Band was nearly three now, and was still so beautiful, with his raven-black waves that wisped over his clear blue eyes. Despite everything he'd been through in his short life, he was still one of the sweetest anyone knew.

"What is it, sweetie?" asked Trinity, reaching down to pick him up. The little boy beamed and raised his arms, then snuggled against his mother's chest, head curled in against her neck

"I'm sweepy," Band announced, yawning hugely. "I wanna nap."

Trinity smiled, genuinely this time. "Ok, Band," she said, kissing the top of her son's head. She walked into his bedroom and placed him gently on the child-sized bed. Band was asleep before his head even hit the pillow. Trinity paused in the doorway, gazing at his sleeping figure, before shutting the door gently behind her.

She walked back over to the table, picking up the note. She carried it over to the filing cabinet where she kept the other letters. She opened the cabinet and put the paper in before she began the tops of the others. A torn, yellowed page caught her eye-a letter she'd written right after Neo's death. She took out the tear-stained paper and began to read:

_Dear Neo,_

_Band took his first steps today. I was washing dishes when I heard him say, "Mama! Mama!" I turned to see him standing shakily, holding the edge of the table. I smiled and was about to pick him up when he took one step, then another, before collapsing into my lap. I held him and cried unabashedly, and his tiny hands reached up to wipe away my tears. He just kept saying, "Mama, Mama!" I have never felt so proud in my entire life._

_Do you remember, Neo? Do you remember the day we found out? Back before we had children-funny how long ago it seems now. I had been feeling sick for days before you finally confined me to bed. I had my suspicions, by then, and I snuck out of bed one night and got a pregnancy test from the Med Bay. I didn't want anyone else to know. I woke you, then, snuck into your old room and told you. I needed you there, Neo. I couldn't have done it without you. I would have thrown the test out and gone back to bed._

_But you _were _there, Neo. You took my hand and lead me to the bathroom door. That was probably the longest fifteen minutes of my entire life. We sat there, alone in the silence, saying nothing, just clinging desperately to one another. Then I went back in and fished out the test strip. I think I may have screamed then, and you ran in to hold me, and I couldn't say anything, I just handed you the strip. It was blue, Neo, bluer than the bluest ocean. And there was no going back._

Trinity smiled, remembering that night, She remembered breakfast the next morning, her hand shaking so badly that she could barely hold her spoon. And then Neo had stood up and announced that they had news to share.

And there was no going back.

Everyone had been so happy. They had sat frozen for a full minute, goo still dripping from Apoc's spoon. Then all hell broke loose. They made so much noise that they brought Morpheus and Tank running from the Core. And when they heard, Tank let out a great whoop of joy, and Morpheus's eyes brimmed with tears. Everyone had been so happy.

Trinity had tried for days to come up with a suitable ending to the letter, but eventually had given up and tucked it away to be forgotten. But now she knew. She gingerly carried the letter to the table, then took a new sheet before beginning to write.

_Band is almost three now, Neo, and he's so happy. I know he misses you, though. I've heard him cry in his sleep, calling out for you. I'm sure he remembers that night. In a way, Flint was the lucky one. She may never have gotten to meet you, but she sleeps peacefully through her brother's nightmares._

_I love you, Neo, and I miss you. You know that, wherever you are. I'll always love you, and I'll always miss you, too. Our time together, however brief, was by far the happiest in my life. But you're gone, Neo. Gone forever. I watched them carry your body down the loading dock ramp, solemn groups of believers watching silently. I saw you lying in your coffin, so peacefully, as if you were sleeping. I watched as they lowered you into the ground, down to your final resting place. And I saw them start piling dirt on top of you before Ghost and Morpheus gently led me away. You're dead, Neo, and all the tears in the world won't bring you back to me._

_There's no going back._


End file.
